The Psychlogy of Cruelty How Do Family Bonds Help Us Survive
"The silent handling was horrifying, worse than torture. I finally could endure it no more than."
"It was the worst feeling. It's the pain inside that nobody can see."
"Withdrawing love, I've learnt, is an excellent fashion to damage someone'south psyche."
An overwhelming number of you shared your struggles with stonewalling via email, comments and Facebook when nosotros published our story on the silent handling.
The silent handling, also known as stonewalling, is when a "listener withdraws from an interaction, refusing to participate or appoint, essentially condign unresponsive," explains John Gottman, world-renowned psychological researcher.
Information technology can be used to avoid conflict, but it can also accept more than sinister motives — similar control and punishment.
Your responses show that stonewalling is non restricted to romantic relationships, we also heard stories of siblings, parents, colleagues and friends withdrawing from their relationships.
When the silent handling starts in babyhood…
My mother used silent treatment as a punishment when I was a child and teenager if I didn't submit to her will.
Once, she didn't speak to me for virtually a month as penalization for having an eating disorder.
I call up she was ashamed, overwhelmed and hoped it and I would just disappear.
Withdrawing love, I've learnt, is an excellent way to damage someone'southward psyche.
A powerful lesson has helped me exist a good, reliable, loving mother for my children.
— Carolyn (Facebook)
I had a partner that used to do this to me. I oft wouldn't know I was being punished for something until a day or ii in — thought they were just in a bad mood and needed some space.
But then had to figure out what I had done incorrect and was being punished for!
Later on learnt that the partner had picked it up from a parent who used to practise it to them.
— Sunshine6 (commodity annotate)
I learnt this well from my mother and I recall unfortunately have passed it on to some extent to my daughter.
I wish I had been taught the skills of effective communication in my teens and early adulthood.
— Charlotte3 (article comment)
This is the way my mother often communicated. Even as a young child, I could run across the damage.
— Kellie (Facebook)
I was frequently subjected to the silent treatment by my female parent, most often if I fabricated a remark in back up of my father or disagreed with her in some fashion.
The silent treatment would go on for a week and I would spend that time doing everything I could to try to please — doing extra household chores in add-on to the regular ones.
The touch of this treatment has continued to accept influence throughout my life — 75 years — including on personal and workplace relationships.
— SJM, 75 (e-mail)
When stonewalling in relationships wears people down…
I experienced this throughout my xxx-year marriage.
Information technology was torturous.
Every time my husband and I had an argument or disagreement, he would ignore me and not speak to me for up to a calendar week at a fourth dimension.
It was the worse feeling. Information technology's the pain inside that nobody can run across.
— Anonymous, 56 (email)
After 22 years I left my wife, having been told for many years if I didn't similar something which she wanted done, I should pack my bags and get out.
One twenty-four hours I merely did that.
Information technology came also after our arguments would always finish with her holding upwards her manus similar a end sign indicating the conversation had come to an end, and she would walk calmly away leaving me boiling for two to 3 days.
— Anonymous, 71 (email)
I have been subjected to the silent treatment in my 30-year relationship.
I ended up walking on eggshells for years afraid of putting a foot wrong.
Very often [the family] were all left guessing why, who had said what to gear up off this silent treatment.
At beginning, I didn't realise why it was happening.
When it ended it was always abruptly without an explanation or amends.
The silent treatment was horrifying, worse than torture, I finally could endure it no more.
I wonder if it had go a pattern that had started in his babyhood that he could not intermission.
In the cease it broke our relationship.
— Mooizo (article comment)
When the pain of family members withdrawing is likewise much to bear…
I have diverse family members that use this corruption and so wait to be supported when they're ready to connect again.
I'yard tired of being an emotional punching pocketbook.
Simply I'g relieved considering the next time they come to me, I am ready to say no.
No, I won't let you abuse me anymore.
— Nadine, 44 (electronic mail)
My sibling stonewalled me for years.
We were non invited to their children's weddings, did non see the grandkids.
My children could not accept a relationship with their cousins.
We were outcast and ostracised.
Information technology was extremely hurtful, and I found it hard to cope.
I experienced depression and feet.
Cruel, just I guess it says a lot about the person stonewalling; the anger, the hate and the demand to control.
— Grace007 (article comment)
My brother has stonewalled me for over two years every bit he perceives that he's been hard washed by over a petty incident.
The disharmonize with no stop in sight has devastated our ageing parents.
He holds the control and revels in exacting penalisation or revenge.
The sad matter is that there's goose egg that can be done.
In a piece of work environment it'd be bulling.
If information technology was concrete, it would be set on.
Only in a domestic situation, stonewalling is a power play and there's naught that tin can be washed.
— Relatable (article comment)
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From those that use silence…
This frozen silence that the article speaks about, I call up I was stuck in this for over a year in my relationships.
I literally couldn't speak and neither could he.
We both suffered immeasurably from this strange speech paralysis and the water ice betwixt us became and then thick that inevitably nosotros completely froze and went separate ways.
— Mileyna (Facebook)
If I am angry and non sure of what to say, I don't speak until I accept decided upon what to say, I never use information technology equally punishment.
I use it to ensure the words I say are unlikely to exist misinterpreted.
— Emma (Facebook)
If I go repose, it is not the silent handling.
It is me trying to regain my equilibrium because I am injure and I don't know what to say without making things worse.
— Jewel (Facebook)
Is it meliorate than getting into a screaming match with an irrational partner?
— Mick (Facebook)
Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts with ABC Everyday. Some comments have been edited for clarity and brevity.
Posted , updated
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Source: https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/the-effect-of-silent-treatment-in-relationships-families/11059348
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